


hes kinda ripped and has a ponytail so you think hes gonna be cool but hes actually just an insurance adjuster who gets really into home improvement shows on troll tlc

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23177542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat write a novel.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 40
Kudos: 231





	1. Chapter 1

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


CG: The night was dark and filled with uncertainty, due both to the lack of moonlight and the trepidation in Caliah’s uneasy mind. She knew the way by heart however, both across the rocky path along the windswept cliff to her moirail’s hive, and through the terrifying uncertainty that plagued her when he was not by her side. All would be well when she reached him, though. She knew this as surely as she knew that when she leapt over the mossy fallen tree trunk that she was more than halfway there. As surely as she knew that, eventually, the moons would rise again and light her path all the clearer.  
TG: dude i cannot believe this is how you write  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH IT??  
CG: IS IT TOO FUCKING FLOWERY FOR YOUR RIDICULOUS STOIC INCLINATIONS??  
TG: what no  
TG: i mean yeah kinda  
TG: but thats not a surprise you sound exactly like one of your shitty books i totally called that i saw that comin from a mile away  
TG: i just cant believe you took fucking caps lock off  
CG: OH MY GOD!  
TG: im serious ive never once seen you write like youre not screaming yourself stupid youre just like a normal person all of a sudden its so weird this is some uncanny valley shit  
CG: OH FUCK YOU.  
TG: honestly i wasnt even sure you knew how  
CG: OF COURSE I FUCKING KNOW HOW, DAVE!  
CG: DO *YOU?*  
TG: whoa what the fuck does that mean  
CG: IT MEANS I COULD SAY THE EXACT SAME THING TO YOU, DICKASS. WITH THE ONE KEY DIFFERENCE THAT I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN YOU PROVE OTHERWISE.  
TG: oh  
TG: Yeah, sure, I can write “normally” too if I want to.  
CG: HOLY FUCK!  
TG: I don’t have, like, a mental disorder that means my brain can’t process punctuation or anything.  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID.  
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT.  
CG: THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD.  
TG: Told you so.  
TG: I’m not going to write like this for our story, though, since it doesn’t really fit the vibe I’m planning on going for.  
CG: ...  
CG: THAT HAS ME SO FUCKING WORRIED FOR THE SANCTITY OF OUR STORY, DAVE.  
TG: Come on, there’s zero chance you agreed to go in on this with me thinking I was going to be writing like this and making a sincere effort at quality.  
TG: You signed on for some patented Strider Bullshit.  
CG: ...  
TG: Admit it. This is creeping you out way more.  
CG: UGH.  
CG: YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT, IT REALLY IS.  
TG: good cool that felt so fucking wrong  
CG: HAHAHA!  
TG: you should still do it though  
TG: i mean write at a normal not profanity riddled volume for once in your goddamn life  
TG: like if thats actually how you write like in that super secret screenplay you never let me see that i definitely havent forgotten about  
CG: WAIT  
TG: you should just go ahead and do that  
CG: ...YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?  
TG: yeah ill be brave for the sake of art  
CG: HAHA OK.  
TG: so what is it my turn now  
CG: SIGH.  
CG: YEAH I GUESS IT IS.  
CG: COME ON, I SET THE SCENE.  
CG: LET’S RIP OFF THE FLEXIBLE WOUND SEALER AND SEE HOW YOU’RE PLANNING ON FUCKING SHIT UP.  
TG: cmon karkat you wouldnt have it any other way if you wanted a straightforward story you coulda done this with rose or kanaya  
CG: I STILL COULD.  
CG: NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WRITE, IRONY BOY!  
TG: hahaha  
TG: ok  
TG: check it  
TG: caliah finally got to her bff tyrones house  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK  
TG: what  
CG: TYRONE??  
TG: yeah why the hell not thats six letters  
CG: OH MY GOD, DAVE.  
CG: YOU DO KNOW NOT ALL TROLLS HAD SIX LETTER NAMES, RIGHT?  
TG: wait  
TG: what  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: *WHAT?*  
TG: ?  
CG: ???  
CG: HOLY FUCK.  
CG: YOU...  
CG: YOU ACTUALLY DID THINK THAT?  
TG: uh  
TG: yes?  
CG: WHY??  
TG: why?  
TG: uh how bout because literally every troll ive ever met has a six letter name  
TG: first AND last  
TG: also like every single troll youve mentioned ever  
CG: OH YEAH?  
CG: WHAT ABOUT MATT DAMON?  
TG: ...  
CG: WILL SMITH?  
TG: ...  
CG: ADAM SANDLER?  
TG: ...  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: yeah?  
CG: YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?  
TG: not really  
CG: EVERY HUMAN I’VE EVER MET HAS A FOUR LETTER NAME.  
TG: ...  
TG: oh my god  
CG: BUT DO I JUST GO AHEAD AND ASSUME THAT HOLDS TRUE FOR EVERY FUCKING MEMBER OF YOUR SPECIES, REGARDLESS OF NATION, LANGUAGE, OR TIME PERIOD??  
TG: um  
CG: THAT’S RIGHT. I DON’T!  
CG: BECAUSE I’M NOT AN IDIOT.  
TG: karkat dude i feel like this is kinda unfair  
TG: theres four of us  
TG: and fucking twelve of you  
TG: you guys have a way bigger sample size  
CG: OH YEAH THAT’S RIGHT THERE’S FOUR OF YOU.  
CG: WITH FOUR LETTER NAMES.  
CG: AND THEN THERE’S HOW MANY OF US?  
TG: ...  
CG: COME ON DAVE THIS ISN’T A TRICK QUESTION.  
TG: ...  
CG: THAT’S RIGHT!  
CG: TWELVE!  
CG: EACH WITH A SIX LETTER FIRST NAME AND A SIX LETTER LAST NAME!  
CG: NOW TELL ME DAVE  
CG: IF YOU PLEASE  
CG: WHERE YOU THINK THIS MASSIVE FUCKING COINCIDENCE MIGHT STEM FROM?  
CG: COULD IT BE FROM MY ENTIRE FUCKING CULTURE, WHICH SPANS LITERALLY MILLIONS OF YEARS?  
CG: OR COULD IT BE FROM THIS GODDAMN FUCKING RIDICULOUS SGRUB SHITFUCKERY?  
CG: ...YOU WANNA HAZARD A GUESS AS TO WHICH *I* THINK IT MIGHT BE??  
TG: no i wanna write this fucking story i only got to do 8 words before you dropped this fucking bomb on me  
CG: HAHAHA!  
CG: FIIINE  
CG: BUT I AM *DEFINITELY* GIVING YOU SHIT FOR THIS LATER.  
TG: whatever can i just keep goin or are you gonna real quick tell me thats actually candy corn on your head  
CG: NO, YOU CAN KEEP GOING.  
CG: LET’S SEE WHAT YOU’VE GOT.  
TG: thanks  
TG: so yeah caliah got to tyrones house he was standing outside the front door and when she said tyrone my love he said who the fuck is tyrone bitch my names jedediah turnbuckle  
CG: HAHAHA!  
TG: she said oh shit my bad i couldnt tell because its fucking night all the time here and even though we have two moons theyre not up as we meticulously established in the first paragraph so i cant see shit  
TG: i can see now however that you are in fact jedediah turnbuckle my one out of four true loves and not tyrone which is some name i just made up for no reason  
CG: EXCELLENT SAVE, DAVE.  
TG: thanks  
TG: ok your turn  
CG: OK.  
CG: With a sweep of his hand, Jedediah ushered Caliah into his hive and guided her, palm reassuringly ghosting over the small of her back, to a low velvet settee.  
TG: you sure its not a pile  
CG: Yes, I’m sure.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: I MEAN YES, I’M SURE.  
CG: I GOT THIS SHIT FROM ROSE’S BOOK AND I THINK IT’S A NICE FUCKING TOUCH!  
CG: NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET THE FUCKING ROMANCE HAPPEN!  
TG: hahahaha  
TG: go for it bro whatd they do on that velvet settee i cant wait  
CG: THANK YOU!  
CG: Caliah let out a sigh, equal parts contentment and care, but as Jedediah gently stroked the backs of his fingertips across her cheek, the contentment took the reins and washed over her like the galloping of a herd of watery musclebeasts.  
TG: dude do musclebeasts have reins can you ride them  
CG: SHUT UP!  
CG: “What’s troubling you, my darling?” Jedediah cooed.  
TG: pfff  
CG: “I fear for the fidelity of my red quadrant,” Caliah mewled. “She has always been true, yet recently she has shown concern for my black quadrant that I fear verges on ashen, and her advances have thrown my heart into a whirlpool of lust and confusion.”  
TG: holy shit what a line  
CG: DAVE I SWEAR TO FUCK.  
TG: do we seriously have to do all the quadrants  
CG: YES WE FUCKING DO, DAVE!  
CG: NO ALTERNIAN ROMANCE NOVEL IS WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN SHIT IF IT DOESN’T HAVE EVERY QUADRANT!  
CG: HONESTLY IF WE WERE GOING FOR A MORE ADVANCED CONFIGURATION, WE’D HAVE *WAY* MORE DOUBLING AND TRIPLING UP THAN THIS.  
CG: I’M SERIOUSLY DUMBING SHIT DOWN FOR YOUR SAKE, HERE, DAVE.  
CG: THIS IS NOTHING LIKE MY SCREENPLAY!  
TG: !  
CG: OH FUCK  
CG: NO  
CG: WE ARE NOT FUCKING TALKING ABOUT MY SCREENPLAY  
TG: i donno dude kinda sounds like we are  
CG: NO WE ARE FUCKING NOT WE ARE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS STUPID IDIOTIC EXERCISE IN CREATIVE FICTION THAT MIGHT, IF WE’RE LUCKY, DRILL A TINY BIT OF CULTURE INTO YOUR SKULL.  
TG: and also might be the next great alternian novel  
CG: ...  
CG: I GUESS BY DEFINITION IT’S GONNA HAVE TO BE.  
CG: UNLESS FUCKING GAMZEE’S GOT A HIDDEN MANUSCRIPT IN THE WORKS.  
TG: oh dude can you imagine the kind of book that fucker would write  
CG: UGH.  
CG: NOW THAT I’M THINKING ABOUT IT THERE’S A HALFWAYS DECENT CHANCE HE’S ACTUALLY OFF WRITING SOME KIND OF DISGUSTING, WARPED NEW RELIGIOUS TEXT THAT HE THINKS IS GOING TO LEAD US ALL TO THE FUCKING DARK CARNIVAL IN THE SKY.  
TG: holy shit  
TG: karkat  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: drop everything  
TG: drop caliah and tyrone  
CG: I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS JEDEDIAH.  
TG: whatever who cares he sucks hes goin nowhere  
CG: WE’RE ONLY THREE FUCKING PARAGRAPHS IN, DAVE!  
CG: THERE’S NOWHERE FOR HIM TO HAVE FUCKING GONE!  
TG: naw but hes so boring i got him all fleshed out in my head already the dudes got nothin goin for him  
CG: OH YEAH?  
TG: yeah hes kinda ripped and has a ponytail so you think hes gonna be cool but hes actually just an insurance adjuster who gets really into home improvement shows on troll tlc  
CG: HAHAHA!  
TG: he sucks caliahs way better off without him  
CG: UGH.  
CG: SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUGGESTING AS AN ALTERNATIVE?  
TG: im sayin we write the clown bible dude  
CG: ...  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
TG: oh shit yes karkat i am so into this idea  
TG: one of the best things we ever do is make fun of that idiots religion  
CG: IT IS?  
TG: ok maybe not we do tons of fun stuff we have got an active lifestyle were like the swinginest seniors at the nursing home  
TG: catch us on the pickle ball court were unbeatable in doubles  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?  
TG: but dude you gotta admit we have an amazing time rippin into gamzee  
CG: HAHA, YEAH WE DO.  
CG: JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU BELIEVE HE USED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND?  
TG: honestly?  
TG: not at all bro i never really got that one  
CG: YEAH, ME NEITHER IN RETROSPECT.  
CG: THANK FUCK THAT ONE GOT NIPPED IN THE BUD BEFORE IT GOT SERIOUS.  
TG: wait  
TG: what  
CG: ?  
TG: got serious  
TG: like  
TG: were you guys  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
TG: were you two doin the fucking caliah and tyrone tango?  
CG: UGGGGHHH!  
CG: NO!  
CG: I MEAN  
CG: NOT  
CG: OFFICIALLY OR ANYTHING!  
TG: holy shit  
CG: BUT WE WERE...  
CG: I DON’T KNOW  
CG: IT WAS COMPLICATED!  
TG: i bet  
CG: AND NOTHING EVER FUCKING CAME OF IT!  
CG: BECAUSE HE WENT FUCKING INSANE!  
CG: AND THEN YOU SHOWED UP!  
TG: ..........  
CG: OH MY GOD  
TG: wait  
CG: NO  
TG: are we  
CG: NO NO NO  
TG: i mean  
TG: do you consider us  
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK  
TG: ...  
TG: dude am i your tyrone  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD THE VERY FACT THAT YOU’RE INSISTING ON FUCKING CALLING IT THAT OUGHT TO BE MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME TO SERIOUSLY CALL INTO QUESTION MY OWN MENTAL STATE AT ANY TIME WHEN I THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT BE!  
TG: um  
TG: so  
TG: is that a yes or a no bro cuz i could totally read that as either  
CG: OH MY GOD!  
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE  
CG: FUCK  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE *FUCK* YOU ARE DAVE!  
CG: DO YOU??  
TG: um  
TG: i donno i guess i thought you were  
TG: my best friend  
TG: um  
CG: I AM!  
TG: ok  
TG: so  
TG: how different  
TG: is that  
TG: from being tyrone  
CG: DAVE I FUCKING REFUSE TO ANSWER YOU IF YOU KEEP CALLING IT THAT.  
TG: fine  
TG: how is it different from being your moirail  
TG: happy?  
CG: UM.  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: I DON’T THINK IT’S REALLY THAT DIFFERENT.  
CG: AT LEAST IT’S NOT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WE’VE BEEN DOING.  
CG: UM.  
TG: but its like  
TG: a romantic thing  
TG: like what he was doin with caliah  
CG: I MEAN  
CG: TECHNICALLY  
CG: ...  
CG: YES.  
TG: and thats what weve been doing  
CG: NO!  
CG: I  
CG: I DON’T KNOW.  
CG: DAVE I’M SORRY I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO SAY HERE, WHAT’S GOING TO MAKE THINGS NORMAL AGAIN AND WHAT’S GONNA MAKE YOU FUCKING RUN FOR THE HILLS.  
CG: IT’S BAD ENOUGH TALKING TO YOU WITH YOUR STUPID FUCKING SUNGLASSES BUT THIS CONVERSATION IS FUCKING HELL TO DO ONLINE.  
TG: yeah well if we werent online i prolly wouldnt have brought it up at all so  
CG: ...OK  
TG: so youre saying that we act like moirails with each other  
CG: DAVE...  
TG: its ok go ahead  
TG: im not gonna freak out and block you or anything  
CG: OK  
CG: THEN  
CG: KIND OF, YEAH?  
CG: I MEAN  
CG: WE SPEND ALL OUR TIME TOGETHER.  
CG: WE TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING.  
CG: OCCASIONALLY IT’S EVEN AN ACTUAL FEELING.  
CG: ...  
CG: WE HUG SIT.  
TG: i fucking knew you were gonna bring that up  
CG: I MEAN...  
CG: I’VE WATCHED ENOUGH EARTH MOVIES TO GET A DECENT SENSE OF WHAT SUPPOSEDLY CONSTITUTED “BEST FRIENDS” IN YOUR CULTURE.  
CG: I DON'T THINK I EVER SAW DANE COOK AND JASON BIGGS CUDDLE UP AND TALK ABOUT THEIR HOPES AND FEARS.  
CG: AND WE’VE NEVER EXACTLY GONE OUT TO THE SPORTS BAR TO DRINK BUD LIGHT AND OGLE CHICKS.  
TG: ok true but to be fair none of that shit actually exists here  
CG: IF IT DID, DO YOU THINK THAT’S WHAT WE’D BE DOING?  
TG: ...  
CG: SHIT  
CG: SORRY.  
CG: LOOK, WE’RE NOT EXACTLY TRADITIONAL MOIRAILS ANYWAY.  
CG: LIKE USUALLY THERE’S A WEIRD PERSONALITY IMBALANCE, WHERE ONE PERSON IS WAY MORE VOLATILE AND DANGEROUS, AND THE OTHER SERVES TO PRETTY MUCH MELLOW THEM OUT.  
TG: ...  
TG: dude  
CG: OH  
CG: OH MY GOD  
CG: WAIT  
TG: hahaha  
TG: no im kidding youre not that bad youre not like the vriska to my terezi or whatever  
CG: OK...  
TG: if anything i think were just kinda  
TG: um  
TG: good for each other  
TG: in that respect  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: YEAH I THINK WE MIGHT BE.  
TG: huh  
TG: so i guess were not totally traditional in either of our cultures huh  
CG: UM.  
CG: I GUESS NOT?  
TG: ...  
TG: im ok with that  
CG: YEAH?  
TG: yeah man  
TG: um  
TG: do you think we can keep just sayin best friends though  
TG: or sometimes best bros like on special occasions  
CG: HAHA  
CG: YEAH  
CG: YEAH THAT SOUNDS GOOD.  
TG: ok  
TG: cool  
CG: COOL.  
TG: so do you wanna write this clown bible romance novel or what  
CG: OH SO IT’S BOTH NOW?  
TG: hell yeah its both that was the plan all along  
CG: UM  
CG: OK  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: IT’S YOUR TURN I THINK.  
TG: ok cool  
TG: ahem  
TG: i think i got somethin thatll clear that lusty confusion right up said tyrone reaching under the weird lumpy velvet stool that was way too small for both of them  
TG: whatever could it be tinkled caliah tinklingly like a big pillowcase full of silverware  
CG: HAHAHA  
TG: tyrone climbed back up onto the stool after he fell right the fuck off cuz he reached over too far  
TG: and in his hand was a single janky ass bike horn  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
TG: have you heard the good motherfuckin word my sister said tyrone who was suddenly wearing fucking icp facepaint of all the fucking things in the goddamn universe i mean seriously this is the stupidest shit anyone has ever heard of  
CG: HAHAHAHA!  
TG: why no squeaked caliah squeakily  
TG: why dont you motherfuckin tell me daddy  
CG: HAHAHA  
CG: JESUS CHRIST  
TG: ok now its your turn  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?  
CG: JUST KEEP WRITING MY NORMAL FUCKING ROMANCE LIKE I HAD PLANNED FROM THE FUCKING BEGINNING?  
TG: yeah cmon its gonna be great itll be a mashup  
TG: i mean feel free to incorporate my elements as you see fit like if you wanna make it more cohesive  
TG: actually yeah please do that  
TG: i really wanna see you try to make that bike horn romantic  
CG: ...  
CG: YOU DO?  
TG: yeah man  
TG: cmon keep goin this shit is solid gold  
CG: OK.  
CG: OK HERE WE GO.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hit 100 subscribers today, and everybody's stuck inside, so here's a fun bonus chapter.

CG: “I would be delighted,” crooned...  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE CALLING THIS ASSHOLE NOW?  
CG: IS HE TYRONE OR JEDEDIAH?  
TG: man who cares take your pick  
CG: YEAH, THAT’S HOW ALL THE BEST WRITERS FUCKING DO IT.  
TG: it sure is dude if you get that fucked up with a little name change thats on you thats your failing as a writer  
CG: WOW.  
TG: its true you gotta just go with the flow were free wheelin here i got half a mind to just change his name again when its my turn  
CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.  
TG: hahaha  
TG: cmon seriously just pick one this storys takin forever supposedly this is gonna be a whole novel all these assholes have done so far is sit down  
CG: OK  
CG: FINE  
CG: “I would be delighted,” crooned _Tyrone,_ squeezing his fingers around the slick rubber membrane of the horn’s bulb with just enough pressure to elicit a faint, sensual honk.  
TG: bahahaha  
TG: holy fuck  
CG: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT.  
CG: BUCKLE THE FUCK UP.  
TG: oh my god  
CG: Caliah’s eyes widened to two ochre spheres, each housing a limitless black pool which reflected perfectly the brassy majesty of the horn’s funnel, all the way from its flared opening down to its tapered base, which was cradled lovingly by Tyrone’s finely manicured claws. How she longed to be that horn, to find herself enveloped with such love and reverence.  
TG: oh my god  
TG: this is  
TG: karkat this is so goddamn weird im not even sure what im supposed to be feeling right now  
CG: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FEELING IN FUCKING AWE OF MY WRITING PROWESS!  
CG: NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
TG: haha you got it please carry on i could never get between a man and his batshit platonic horn porn you know me  
CG: THANK YOU.  
CG: Tyrone shifted on the velvet settee, swiftly closing the gap between his mouth and Caliah’s ear, until only a hair’s breadth of space remained. She could feel the coolness of his white facepaint, yet to be warmed by his skin.  
TG: whoa  
CG: His lips parted. Her breath hitched. She could feel the air rush through the fine hairs framing her face as he inhaled to whisper a declaration so low, so intimate, that were any other soul in the room, they would not dare to hear, much less be able to.  
TG: ??  
CG: “The motherfucking good word is...” Tyrone leaned yet closer, running his hand sensuously across the velvet of the settee, forgetting that this hand was also sensuously holding the horn.  
TG: oh shit  
CG: He leaned too hard on it and fucking blasted out a honk and scared himself so much he fell right the fuck off the settee a second fucking time.  
TG: ahahahahhahaa  
CG: OK NOW IT’S YOUR TURN.  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4/13. Here's some clown erotica.

TG: ok so tyrone kinda clawed his way back up onto the velvet settee or at least halfway up  
TG: like he pretty much just rested his elbows on it with his ass on the floor and said you know what im just gonna stay like this given my history with this fucking settee in the past five minutes i think this is definitely the only safe position  
TG: like how are these fucking things supposed to be romantic they are straight up pratfall factories or at least this one is jesus christ i think im just gonna return this thing to pier one after tonight this shit is not as advertised  
CG: HAHAHA!  
TG: thats ok whinnied caliah like an actual horse  
CG: FJDAKL  
TG: as long as you keep squeezin that horn you can sit wherever you damn well please  
CG: WHOA.  
TG: yeah see i know whats up  
TG: ^that was me by the way not the characters  
CG: YEAH, I GOT IT.  
TG: cool  
TG: ...  
TG: that was me by the way not the characters tyrone said  
CG: BAHAHAHAHA  
TG: oh ok caliah ejaculated  
CG: WOW DAVE. GREAT VERB.  
TG: yeah i learned from the best  
TG: but, caliah continued, it actually WASN’T me  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: FUCKING WHEN??  
TG: for you see i am actually caliahs identical twin sister caldor  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK  
TG: what cmon dude thats perfect thats the iconic trashy romance twist  
TG: it is literally impossible to have a trashy romance without at least one mistaken twin identity its pretty much against the law  
CG: NO IT’S NOT. THIS ISN’T A “TWIST,” DAVE.  
CG: IT’S JUST CONFUSING.  
TG: what could possibly be confusing about this dude  
TG: its a classic  
TG: its twist.jpeg  
CG: NOT ON ALTERNIA IT’S NOT.  
CG: “TWINS” DON’T FUCKING EXIST!  
CG: NEITHER DO “SISTERS!”  
TG: well then why the fuck is tyrone calling caliah sister then  
CG: *YOU* FUCKING WROTE THAT PART!!!  
TG: yeah i did but thats definitely a juggalo thing ive totally heard that in troll movies  
CG: SURE!  
CG: BUT IT’S JUST AN ANCIENT AND SUPPOSEDLY “HOLY” TERM OF RESPECT.  
CG: IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT DISGUSTING HUMAN SITUATION YOU HAVE GOING ON WITH ROSE.  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: GOD DAMMIT  
CG: IS THIS WHOLE “TWIN” THING JUST YOU TRYING TO INSERT YOURSELF IN THE STORY?  
TG: what no  
TG: tyrone and caliah and caldor are my ocs  
CG: PRETTY SURE *I’M* THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH CALIAH.  
TG: yeah fine whatever  
TG: all im sayin is any resemblance these weird juggalos bear to persons living or dead is purely coincidental  
CG: FINE.  
TG: wait  
CG: OH MY GOD, WHAT, DAVE???  
CG: WE’RE NEVER FINISHING THIS BOOK AT THIS RATE!  
TG: no its gonna be quick i promise its just a brief observation and an extremely important one  
CG: ...  
CG: WHAT  
TG: why the fuck are the clowns always saying motherfucker  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
TG: since you guys dont have mothers  
CG: ...  
TG: i guess you got the mother grub  
CG: ...  
TG: dude every time gamzee says motherfucker is he imagining himself fucking a giant nasty worm  
CG: ...  
TG: cmon bro dont tell me this never came up you guys used to be so close an all  
CG: OH MY GOD  
TG: ;)  
CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NO!  
CG: STOP IT!  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY WE HAVE THAT WORD!  
CG: I MEAN THEY  
CG: WHY *THEY* HAVE THAT WORD.  
CG: IT’S PRETTY MUCH JUST WEIRD CLOWN SHIT. NORMAL PEOPLE DON’T EVEN SAY IT!  
TG: ive definitely heard you say it before  
CG: WELL THAT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE I PICKED IT UP FROM YOUR HUMAN ASS!  
TG: look all im sayin is for not havin families these clowns sure use a lotta family words  
CG: YEAH  
CG: I GUESS.  
TG: no guessin about it  
TG: im starting to think maybe they were onto something  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK  
CG: ONTO WHAT?  
TG: maybe they foresaw the coming of a beautiful new world  
TG: where mothers and sisters and shit were a real thing  
TG: and occasionally  
TG: very occasionally  
TG: groups of unwashed total nutjobs would gather in a big nasty septic muddy moshpit and get their rocks off to the sweet sounds of clown rap  
CG: EUGH  
TG: im talkin about earth  
CG: YEAH.  
TG: humans  
CG: I GET IT.  
TG: the beautiful species known as homo sapiens  
TG: no homo  
CG: OH MY GOD DAVE!  
TG: im just sayin karkat  
TG: its a weird coincidence when you think about it  
CG: NOT REALLY.  
TG: maybe a little  
TG: too much  
TG: of a coincidence  
CG: WHAT??  
TG: maybe  
TG: just maybe dude  
TG: ...  
CG: ???  
TG: ItS a MiRaClE  
CG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE  
CG: NO!  
TG: HaVe YoU hEaRd ThE gOoD mOtHeRfUcKiN wOrD mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR  
CG: JEGUS *FUCK* NO  
CG: DAVE!  
TG: HaHaHa  
CG: STOP!!  
TG: AhAhAhA  
CG: THIS IS HORRIBLE AND I HATE IT!  
TG: cmon its fun  
CG: IT’S CREEPY AS FUCK.  
TG: nope sorry karkat these are my sincere religious beliefs now and you gotta respect them  
CG: I DON’T HAVE TO RESPECT SHIT.  
TG: dude that is so problematic  
CG: I DON’T CARE!  
TG: i donno man i think it makes sense  
CG: WHAT DOES??  
TG: you got a type  
CG: ?????  
TG: a moirail type  
CG: OH  
CG: UH  
CG: ...  
CG: I THOUGHT WE WEREN’T USING THAT WORD.  
TG: oh haha  
TG: i meant best friend type  
TG: whoooops  
TG: donno why i used the m word  
TG: youre so right were not goin near that one  
TG: thats a whole mess of worms started wigglin out of the can once already in this conversation  
TG: we literally just got them all stuffed back in there  
TG: what the fuck are we doing keeping worms in a can anyway  
TG: the whole point of a can is you gotta use a can opener once to get it open  
TG: and then thats it youre done worms out  
TG: its once you pop you cant stop  
TG: its like pringles except you can totally put the top back on a pringle tube  
TG: thats more of a psychological problem than a physical one  
TG: maybe we should keep our worms in a pringle tube this can is just not doin the job its a piece of shit  
TG: its like the food equivalent of a piggy bank  
TG: you know the old fashioned kind you actually gotta smash with a hammer  
TG: the kind that builds character  
TG: the kind kids had in the olden days  
TG: where you save up all your ha’pennies or whatever to finally buy enough string to make your own kite  
TG: its like that but with worms  
CG: UM  
TG: whatever were gettin hella sidetracked were gettin distracted from the most important thing here  
TG: were losing sight of what truly matters  
CG: AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT, DAVE?  
TG: karkat  
CG: WHAT  
TG: youre into clowns dude  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!  
CG: NO I AM *NOT*!!!!!  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: pretty bold words from the guy writin a sexy clown book is all  
CG: *YOU’RE* THE ONE WHO FUCKING MADE THIS ABOUT CLOWNS!!  
TG: yeah but you jumped right at the opportunity  
CG: AUUGH  
TG: the enthusiasm behind that bike horn part bro?  
TG: shit was palpable  
CG: UGH  
TG: shit was titillating  
CG: STOP IT  
TG: shit was breathtakingly erotic  
CG: FUCKING CHRIST  
TG: sorry bro im just readin the review from the troll new yorker  
TG: you got five outta five umlauts  
TG: thats amazing  
CG: I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO!  
TG: yeah and it was awesome you got ten outta ten hats from me would coerce into writing weird skeevy clown friendship porn again  
CG: HAHAHA  
TG: speaking of which  
TG: pretty sure its your turn dude  
CG: WHAT??  
CG: YOU BARELY EVEN FUCKING WROTE ANYTHING!  
TG: yeah i know but cmon youre way better at this  
CG: THANKS, I GUESS.  
TG: what im serious karkat you got a knack  
TG: a natural talent  
TG: yours is the best platonically sexually charged juggalo themed smut ive ever had the privilege to let wash over my poor abused eyeballs  
CG: THAT IS *NOT* FUCKING TRUE!  
CG: I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST *THREE* OTHERS I'VE READ TO YOU MYSELF!  
TG: yeah sure but yours is better  
CG: HA  
TG: dont know why youre laughin bro its true  
CG: OH MY GOD  
TG: im serious lets hit it please write me some more  
TG: lets see that clown fetish in action  
CG: HOLY SHIT!  
CG: FUCK  
CG: YOU  
TG: hahaha sorry man  
TG: i take it all back please just keep goin i gotta hear what comes next  
TG: shit maybe im the one with the clown fetish  
CG: OH MY *GOD*  
CG: YOU BETTER NOT BE!  
TG: hahaha  
CG: GAMZEE WOULD RIP YOUR FACE STRAIGHT OFF OF YOUR FACE.  
TG: oh shit  
CG: AND THEN PROBABLY MAKE OUT WITH IT.  
TG: uhhhh  
CG: YEAH.  
TG: ok never mind i think im off clowns  
TG: im gonna stick to hangin out with you  
CG: GOOD CHOICE.  
TG: i do still wanna hear your next part tho  
CG: ...  
TG: please  
TG: cmon i figured it out i only like clowns if theyre comin at me through that patented karkat filter thats the only way theyre actually tolerable  
TG: im hooked i got a karkat clown fetish thats my actual jam  
CG: EUGH  
TG: haha ew forget i ever said that thats a horrible sentence that should never have seen the light of day  
CG: YEAH I’M GOOD WITH FORGETTING THAT.  
TG: haha cool  
TG: ok now hit me what happens next i gotta know how this incredible shocking twin twist shakes out  
CG: ...  
CG: FIIINE.  
CG: OK  
CG: SO...  



End file.
